Sunday, 8 April 2012

Episode 170: Endgame

Well here we are, at last, the end,
But wait, I’ve this finale to still comprehend,
To do this I'll use the power of rhyme
And show how the writers once again have Janeway travel in time
We start twenty years in the future and they’ve made it to Earth,
Tuvok’s insane, the Doctor’s married, but Harry’s a captain for all that’s worth,
Giving lessons to students on the Borg is Barclay
Oh and with special guest Admiral Janeway
A student asks her about Seven Of Nine
But to answer that she does decline
Then Janeway wants drugs to protect against radiation of time
From the Doctor for no particular reason or rhyme
Oh and the Doctor has now decided his name is Joe
But still he’s doing better than Chakotay who’s six feet below
Meanwhile in the “present” Seven is Chakotay’s romantic squeeze
And Tuvok has a secret chronic Vulcan disease
I guess Seven abandoned her search for perfection
Well its no more stupid than everything else on reflection
Seven detects hundreds of wormholes in a nebula they’ve come upon
While in the future Janeway’s getting some mysterious technology from a Klingon
Barclay breaks down and tells this to Doctor Joe
To bring her back, Captain Harry does go
The fact he’s a Captain in 2402
Just shows StarFleet ain’t got a clue
Present and the nebula is filled with a Borg fleet
So Captain Janeway does order a retreat
In future, Admiral Janeway to Harry explains
That her past decision needs to be changed
I know it’s a woman’s prerogative to think again
But even I didn’t think she’d go to that much pain
Harry of course let’s her go to the present cos he’s a quitter
In the past there are two Janeways, could this get any shitter?
The Borg Queen is thrilled to hear about this development
I on the other hand could not care in this event
They then argue because they like to make a scene
While Seven is communicated by the Borg Queen
She says she’ll spare the ship if away from the nebula they jet
But future Janeway has brought technology so the Borg are no threat.
Back in the nebula the Borg are useless
As the Borg Queen’s cubes are in some distress
Then they find the transwarp hub which the Borg use to get about
Admiral Janeway wants to bring Voyager back with this route
The crew decide to destroy the hub and take the long way instead
Bet the Admiral had wished she’d stopped in bed
She tells Captain Janeway that Seven’s dead if this she allows
Man, she’s turned into such an old gossip now
A way is found to destroy the hub and get home with little fuss
By tricking the Borg Queen and giving the Borg a virus
With the Borg destroyed, to the Alpha Quadrant Voyager does return
As they arrived back so did Paris and Torres’ daughter we do learn
So yeah, they pretty much remade TNG’s All Good Things.
And so ends my various Voyager summings.
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Thursday, 5 April 2012

Episode 169: Renaissance Man


Two seasons worth I’ve had to wait but finally there’s a good episode, just before the finale. Of course, it heavily features the Doctor.

Janeway and the Doctor are off in the Delta Flyer to some conference or other, when they detect a plasma surge. Cut to Janeway telling Chakotay about it in her ready room. It seems that a race of aliens owns this entire region of space and doesn’t allow warp so they’ll have to hand the drive over. Janeway then talks to Torres about towing the drive away. Suspicious Chakotay is suspicious however and asks the Doctor to examine Janeway but of course she doesn’t like physicals. Just once I’d love to see a Captain who did. It turns out that she’s being held prisoner by the potato people (or Hierarchy as they’re called). They want Voyager’s warp drive or they’ll kill her, so the Doctor assumed her identity to get it. I’ll ignore that warp drive > captain. One of the fictitious aliens appears on the view screen to hurry them along. Suspicious Chakotay is still suspicious so the Doctor knocks him out, puts him in a drawer and assumes his identity. This followed by doing the same to Harry, though he doesn’t assume his identity, I mean, why would you? While he is in the guise of Torres, Paris with great timing, picks now to be romantic to his “wife”. After all this he relaxes listening to a classical music piece. Tuvok though ruins it all by finding out what’s going on, so the Doctor goes on the run, making duplicates in the holodeck. With the entire ship out looking for him he finds it quite easy to eject the core, escape in the Flyer and take it to the potato people. Unfortunately they take the drive and him into the bargain. Of course, he’s taken this into account however and left a clue in the piece of music which plays throughout Voyager. They send a shuttle to rescue him, the Captain and the drive intact. The Doctor - 48453. Delta Quadrant - 0.

So the writers have finally realised that the best way to make Voyager good is to have the Doctor play everyone.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Episode 168: Homestead


The crew is having a party in the messhall to celebrate the anniversary of Vulcans saying “Hi there” to the people of the Earth. But before you can say “Please Neelix don’t dance” he does. Fortunately Chakotay stops him with the news they’ve located Talaxians ahead (his people, not Chakotay’s, Neelix’s). Paris, Tuvok and Neelix go in the Flyer to see them a they’re in an asteroid field. The ship gets damaged in a mining explosion and Neelix wakes inside on of the asteroids with a Talaxian woman, Dexa, tending to him. She tells him they avoid contact with outsiders, that went well then. She also says she shouldn’t be speaking to him, that’s gone equally as well. They used abandoned technology in the asteroids to make a home for themselves. Wouldn’t it be easier to live on, I dunno, a planet?! According to Star Trek you can’t move for uninhabited M class planets Dexa has a young son and is a widow, so obviously Neelix falls in love with her. Another race then turns up who look like Pinhead without the pins (Head, I guess?) stating they own the asteroids. Neelix tries to negotiate with them but being nasty alien types they don’t care. The Talaxians have to move to a nearby planet (See!) but still aren’t happy. Neelix has a talk with Tuvok involves hypotheticals and decides to help the Talaxians to defend their home in the rocks. Janeway in turn isn’t happy now but lets him go. They succeed in their defence with Voyager’s help and Neelix returns to Voyager. Naomi Wildman (last appearance!) is too busy to play games with him since she has Chakotay’s Palaeontology class in the morning. Boy, I bet that’s an interesting lesson. Eventually he decides what we’ve all known since the start and he leaves to become the Federation ambassador to the Delta Quadrant.

Aside from the first scene I actually didn’t find Neelix all that annoying in this episode. True he’s nearly always irritating but his leaving scenes felt right for the character who’s been with the show since the start. Indeed the Neelix/Tuvok dynamic was handled the best it’s ever been in this one. Pity the actual story was the usual bland mix of cliched plots.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Episode 167: Natural Law


Chakotay and Seven are going to some conference on a planet when he decides to show her some of the scenery. Which is all fine apart from Seven is completely bored of it all, oh and he crashes the shuttle into an energy barrier. Not to worry, plenty more where that came from. So that means she’s then trapped with Mr Outdoors on the forested planet surface. Fun times for all! What we need is an exciting B tale to lift this episode. Paris? In another shuttle story? Guess I’ll have to hope one, just one, of the remaining three is good. Anyway, Paris is being a pilot jerk and is given a dressing down from the planet authorities. He seems to think that because he didn’t know about the laws of the planet, that’s fine. Yep, because that’s how it is when it’s the human is the criminal. He’s ordered to undergo flight training which Janeway agrees with. I assume to get him out of her hair for a while. That’s where he lives you see. In her hair. With all of Seven’s nanoprobes. What? Fine, back to the episode. On the planet below, Seven and Chakotay find some alien Native American types. Yes, his people. Despite Seven’s protests, Chakotay, totally by accident of course, communicates with them. While Seven gets lost and finds her own Indian woman to guide her in the ways of the world. Not like that you perverts. Paris’ flight teacher is of course old and wants to take his time over everything, which Harry and Torres find hilarious. Well, they would, wouldn’t they? Speaking of the wood, back on the planet, Chakotay finds that Seven was right as the natives copy his tattoo design. Poor bastards. The tester asks Paris at one point if he’s familiar with professional pride, well the writers sure aren’t. Chakotay and Seven eventually find each other again and bring down the barrier from within. Turns out the barrier was put up by another race of aliens years before to protect the natives. Sure enough as soon as it’s down, the other planet inhabitants want to build on it. Probably a casino. So Janeway puts the barrier up again, thanks to Paris’ flying ability. Well we’ve got to have the two stories linking up in some way don’t we?

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Episode 166: Friendship One

We start with Janeway on the space phone to StarFleet and telling them about the Distant Origins episode. Not surprising really if you think about it. “No really, we had some times we didn’t see spatial anomalies”. She’s given a mission to find a probe powered by antimatter that went missing in the area 300 years ago. The mission will take them slightly out of there way. Does StarFleet actually want them to come back? The human bridge crew all reminisce about how they had to learn about it in school. Even Neelix is getting bored by it. They eventually find the irradiated planet it’s on and have to send an away team in a shuttle. The away team consists of Chakotay, Harry, Neelix, Paris and Ensign Ricky. Sorry, I mean Carey. He might as well be two days away from retirement too. Which if you were, you’d be mightily annoyed you were in the Delta Quadrant. On the planet, they find pieces of the probe before everyone but Chakotay and Harry are captured. They make it back in the Flyer with a stowaway. On Voyager the Doctor uses Seven’s amazing fix all Nanoprobes (Order now and get this free pen!) to heal the stowaway’s radiation sickness. On the planet it transpires that when the probe crashed there people used the antimatter to fashion weapons and destroy each other, which is apparently the humans fault. They want transport off the planet to a more hospitable one, but that would take years. I’m sure StarFleet wouldn’t mind. Neelix tries to empathise with them by saying they’re better once you get to know them because he thought they were arrogant at first. He did? Don’t remember that at all. All the aliens on the planet seem to be warming to them except the leader because that’s how it works. Minority leaders is the in thing in the Delta Quadrant. Oh and Carey died. Eventually the hostages are freed by using the Doctor which I honestly didn’t see coming. Janeway modifies a few of the plentiful photon torpedoes on the atmosphere and shally me gally me zoop everything’s fine again! Thus ends their second StarFleet mission in seven years. The first they get thrown across the galaxy and this one a crewman dies, they don’t have much luck do they?

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Episode 165: Author, Author

So Voyager now has two way communication with the Alpha Quadrant with no delay but I can’t get internet on the train. Barclay is the first person they see and so he has now been in more Voyager than TNG episodes. The crew all get allotted time to call home for three minutes and Harry’s going to call his mum. He wants to know who everyone else is going to call. They’re going to call your mum too Harry *wink*. Anyway, all this is so that the Doctor can speak to his literary agent for he has written a holonovel which has the crew in it being evil dicks. Isn’t that just Living Witness? Nah, that was good. Well  I say the crew, there are subtle changes.  Lt Marseilles instead of Lt Paris, get it?!  The novel itself is about being an oppressed hologram but the crew are more annoyed about being portrayed in a bad light. Wait, until they hear about Paramount. Meanwhile, Torres talks to her father via the TransGalactic Super Highway despite the fact they both look the same age albeit one has 5 o’clock shadow to look older. The father has facial hair too. Ah, comedy. The Doctor eventually agrees to make the changes after he is shown a version where he is portrayed in a similar manner, well more so. His agent though, releases the old version anyway. Agents eh? Apparently the Doctor doesn’t have any rights as a person so a Federation Arbitrator is to decide. That’s right, it’s Star Trek Court Room TimeTM! During this Janeway compares the Doctor's struggle to the Civil Rights Movement and the Suffragettes of the 20th century. Good to see she's kept her perspective.  The Arbitrator rules that he’s not a person, though he is an artist. So like Prince?

Overall with this episode a couple of amusing performances and a tacked on sub TNG: Measure Of A Man ending do not a good episode make.  Also apparently the Doctor is a unique hologram.  Does that mean the holograms of Fair Haven and that battled the Hirogen didn't exist?  I can never unwatch them though.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Episode 164: Q2

Icheb bores Janeway by giving her a 35 chapter presentation on Kirk. Q then appears along with his son (played by John DeLancie’s son) and leaves him with Janeway to babysit him. Look, he’s chewing gum, see, he doesn’t play by the rules! Standby for madcap hilarity! *audience laughter* Q2 begins by asking Janeway when is Voyager going to do something interesting and then fuses Neelix’ jaw shut. Okay, I’m liking this guy. Disappear Harry from the space-time continuum and I’ll start a church based on him. Of course, he then brings the Borg to them. That’s so 2365. Q comes back to see how they’re all getting on and finds Janeway in a bubble bath. We’ll not dwell on that suffice to say, so much for water recycling on Voyager. To make Q2 more compliant the Q Continuum remove his powers. And that’s so 2366! What is this, Q’s Greatest Hits? He’ll be risking himself to save someone else’s life next. Chakotay oversees Q2 dealing with a diplomacy holodeck programme, but Q2 reprogrammes the HoloDiplomat’s personalities. Janeway’s not too happy at this, she doesn’t like it when she’s not the one doing it. Evidently thanks to the boring influence of Icheb, Q2 settles down and becomes a model citizen. Until that is, his daddy issues flare up again and he creates a wormhole to visit the Chokuzon and attack them. Icheb is injured by an unknown weapon so the Doctor can’t save him. Icheb goes back to Chokuzon space at risk to himself and find out, so Icheb can be saved. There we go! Shortly afterwards they visit the Q Continuum which is situated cheaply and conveniently enough in the mess hall. The Continuum decide against turning him into an amoeba but give him the next worst face, being on Voyager... or human, I forget which. Q himself gives concessions though, so everyone can get their powers back who should have them, including Clark Kent in Superman II. And that ladies and gentlemen is the final appearance of Q in Star Trek.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Episode 163: Human Error

If you think you’ve seen this story before with Barclay, it’s because you have. Many, many times. Also, if you think you’ve read that kind of thing by me before, it’s because you have. Many, many times.

To start Seven plays the piano and then the credits start. Next week she boils an egg in the teaser. Cut to the episode and it’s action from the start with Seven visiting Paris and Torres’ baby shower. Harry’s gift was a StarFleet diaper, of course it was. Twist ahoy though as it’s revealed to be a holodeck programme. What happened to people reenacting gangster and Sherlock Holmes or going to long dead worlds on the Holodeck? Nope, now we’re doing baby showers and moving into quarters. Which she does. HoloNeelix suggests she get curtains and HoloChakotay turns up to crank up the excitement by giving her a gift of a dreamcatcher because his people. He’s impressed she knows what it is too, it’s only her stupid programme of course she does. Meanwhile, not to be outdone, back in the real world, in new levels of interestingness, Seven and Torres discuss their hair. But anyway in the programme Seven is having a relationship with HoloChakotay. Him? It begins to affect her life on the ship and her implants so she actually breaks up with him. Wouldn’t turning off the programme be more effective and let’s face it easier? Real Chakotay then says she should socialise more with the crew. That’s the end of the episode. Seriously. Oh and while all that was going on, Voyager accidentally found a space firing range and space action ensued. Unfortunately no hilarity, space or otherwise.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Episode 162: Workforce Part II

Ever notice how the closer you get to the end of something tedious the slower time gets? Just a random observation.

Chakotay succeeds at escaping from the last episode’s cliffhanger by virtue of the security men being stupid. Meanwhile Voyager is under attack from the Quarren ships and eventually the Doctor and Harry decide to retreat, well the Doctor decides and Harry agrees. Chakotay bumps into Janeway again as she’s celebrating moving in with Jaffen after a couple of days. Chakotay denied! Yerid, an investigator, is funnily enough investigating the disappearance of Torres and Neelix so asks Paris and Seven about Chakotay. Back at her apartment, Janeway finds Chakotay injured there. He tells her about her actual life and she is unsure whether to believe him, to be fair, I don’t blame her. On Voyager, together with the Doctor’s treatment, Neelix is reminding Torres about her life. He starts, obviously enough, with her toaster. It must be the best toaster in science fiction since Red Dwarf’s Talkie Toaster. Janeway is almost about to believe when Jaffen sticks his oar in and she reports Chakotay to the security. Yerid arrives to take him before the neuropathology division claim Chakotay which Yerid finds suspicious. It’s okay though, Ralph Malph from Happy Days runs it so it can’t be all bad. Back on Voyager, Neelix prepares Torres her favourite food, as he puts it “Food is like time travel”. I knew they’d shove time travel in somehow. Gradually more people start to believe about their previous lives and Janeway gets in touch with Voyager and talks with Lt Torres. She agrees to shut down the shield at the main plant, which she does and all the members of Voyager are beamed off the planet. The Quarren authorities, probably relieved that they’ve got rid of Voyager, also agree to repatriate the other workers.

The conspiracy part of this episode with various people investigating and gradually coming to realise that the wool has been pulled over their eyes wasn’t too bad. Aside from that though, it was the usual stuff.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Episode 161: Workforce Part I

Ever wonder what the Voyager crew would be like if they actually had to work for a living? I’m betting the recession is their fault.

Janeway’s got a new job and a sassy new outfit on a new planet but she’s late. Her supervisor show’s her the computer she’ll be using before an alarm sounds from it.
She actually says “Shut off that damn alarm and I promise I’ll never violate you again” to the computer. Fortunately a man by the name Jaffen helps her and invites her to the bar but Seven, the Efficiency Monitor tells them to get on with their jobs. Later at the bar, Jaffen tells a joke and Tuvok’s can’t stop laughing about it. He also can’t stop explaining it. Janeway later shows up but doesn’t want to be disturbed as she’s busy. So she went to a busy bar, makes sense. Paris also has a job at the same bar and is trying to chat up a young single mother by the name of Torres. What’re the odds?! Meanwhile back out in space Chakotay, Neelix and Harry are returing to Voyager in a shuttle, makes sense that the rest of the crew would want rid of those three for a while. So wait, the rescue of the Voyager crew rests on that team? Excellent then, they’re all dead already. Team Useless gets to Voyager and finds the Doctor has become the Emergency Command Hologram. During their absence everyone got sick from radiation poisoning after hitting a mine and evacuated the ship leaving the ECH in command. Janeway agrees to move in with Jaffen, presumably they’ll have matching stationery. Tuvok keeps having flashbacks to being captured as his mental condition is breaking down. Meanwhile Team Useless and the Doctor find that the crew are now on the planet Quarra but the Quarrans aren’t being very helpful so Chakotay while disguised as another species beams down with Neelix to find them. He leaves Harry in charge with the Doctor annoyed at this. HE’S annoyed?! Neelix and Chakotay try to bring Torres back to the ship but she doesn’t want to go. Who can blame her? Chakotay is chased by security officers to a dead end and damnit it’s a two parter!

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Episode 160: The Void

The bridge crew are having a slap up meal made by Seven to her exacting standards. It seems that it’s the only way for her to get a meal prepared right. Good idea, now when is she going to apply that to the captaincy? I say “the bridge crew”, Harry is still on the bridge steering the ship.... straight into a starless void. Wait, didn’t we just do this? Remember, there were no stars and everyone was depressed. Kind of like reality shows I guess. Anyway, back to now and Voyager is attacked by other ships who manage to steal some food and fuel. Shortly afterwards they’re contacted by General Valen (no relation) who offers a trade for some of Voyager’s photon torpedoes since there is nothing but void in this expanse. Janeway refuses despite the fact they seemingly have an inexhaustible supply. Valen leaves in a huff and Voyager makes one attempt to escape but since it’s not the episode end they fail. While the Doctor finds a stowaway who can’t speak, Janeway finds solace in the Federation Charter, well she would wouldn’t she? I’m surprised she doesn’t have the audiobook read by Zephrem Cochrane. Janeway decides to offer an alliance to people who want to get out as long as they abide by the same principles and don’t steal. After some hesitation some do unbelievably. Yes, today’s episode is sponsored by Sesame Street and co-operation. The Doctor has found a way to communicate with the stowaway through music and more of the stowaway’s species join. One of Janeway’s Alliance though is naughty and equipment he got to help in the escape bid was stolen. Cult leader Janeway doesn’t stand for this and banishes him to the wilderness... or void. He doesn’t take kindly to this and plots with Valen to attack them. They don’t succeed as the stowaways sabotage their ships leaving Voyager and the Alliance ships to take their opportunity to leave.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Episode 159: Prophecy

Exciting news! You get to finally mark off Klingons on your Alpha Quadrant Things In The Delta Quadrant (AQTITDQ) ticklist. They’re just above Klingons (holograms).

So Voyager is being attacked by a Klingon cruiser which by now is so run of the mill that Paris only finds it unusual because the ships have been retired for years. The Klingon captain, Kohlar, is eventually persuaded to come on board to see proof of the Federation/Klingon peace treaty. Diet Kohlar meets Torres and is intrigued by the fact she is pregnant before hightailing it back to the Klingon ship. It seems Torres might be giving birth to these Klingon’s Chosen OneTM  who they’re supposed to follow as their leader. Makes sense to choose her rather than anyone one Voyager. To get on Voyager they destroy their own ship which then means some crew with have to double up in their quarters. They couldn’t convert the cargo bay just like last episode? No? Harry’s not complaining though he’s got an actual living bipedal woman. Of course, Neelix and Tuvok have to share together (by the way you can cross “The Odd Couple” off your AQTITDQ list too). Neelix sings a Klingon drinking song whereupon Tuvok and the audience are probably thinking about trying to make a go of it on the destroyed cruiser. Extra security is posted everywhere due to the increased rambunctiousness which was probably replicated (the security, not the rambunctiousness). Some of the Klingons don’t feel the same as Cherry Kohlar so want proof Torres’ daughter is the Chosen OneTM . Paris takes offence at some of the Klingons colourful metaphors and ends up being challenged to combat. During the battle the Klingon becomes weak and Vanilla Kohlar takes him to the Doctor who identifies it as a retrovirus. Torres and her baby are also infected. The Klingons react in their usual way and try to beam the Voyager crew down to a deserted planet but fail. It’s alright though, the Doctor then makes a cure for everyone from Torres’ daughter’s stemcells so they believe she is the Chosen OneTM  again but move to the planet anyway. For some reason.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Episode 158: Repentance

It’s a good old traditional Star Trek morality tale. In that, it’s about as subtle as Seven’s outfit and the story’s about as thin.

Voyager responds to a distress call since apparently they’re the only ship in the Delta Quadrant that can receive them. They find a damaged ship and beam the survivors on board who are both prisoners and the guards. One of the prisoners has taken Seven hostage in sickbay but then makes a rookie error, swaps for the Doctor and is captured again. The prisoners are being taken to their homeworld to be executed. Janeway and company would interfere but step in Prime Directive and they can’t interfere. Let’s see how long that lasts. The first thing is they don’t have a prison but that’s no problem, just like the A-Team, Voyager makes use of tools around them and make up a functioning prison in the cargo bay. Iko, the prisoner who kidnapped Seven, is beaten up by the evil nasty guards until he’s repaired by Seven’s nanoprobes. Afterwards he begins to feel guilt and develop a conscience. Next week the nanoprobes go on to reenact Dickens’ Christmas Carol. Meanwhile the nice prisoner who Neelix befriends and plays games with, of course says he’s innocent. Seven and Janeway go to the prison’s warden about putting in an appeal for Iko since he’s fine now, see that didn’t take long. They refuse since their culture favours the victims and don’t want to cause them distress. Voyager is then attacked by relatives of the prisoners which sole purpose seems to be to affect the transporters and power in the prison. Neelix’s nice friend goes on a rampage but Iko stays in his cell. After they’re recaptured Neelix for some reason isn’t his friend anymore. The warden though convinces Iko’s victim’s family to hear his appeal. So much for not showing them distress. Seven suggests Iko becomes part of the crew but he says he’s not very useful. That’s okay, he’d fit right in then but the family eventually decide no and he is to be executed anyway.  It never rains but it pours.

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Episode 157: Lineage

Torres is in an astonishingly good mood and Paris asks her what she had for breakfast. Cock by the looks of it. It turns out she's pregnant, see I was right. The Doctor tells her she can expect some mood swings, or as they're known, her character trait. Everyone finds out about it so Paris tries to find people who haven't just so he can tell them. Torres later shunted to Paris about people giving her advice despite Paris asking for advice from Tuvok. The Doctor then tells the couple that their child, a daughter, who will have a deviated spine. Torres is concerned that the child will still have Klingon ridges. We then flashback to a camp that Torres, her father and friends went on when she was twelve. She didn't think that the other children liked her, probably because she kept having flashbacks. During the procedure to have the spine cured she has another flashback to a kid at the camp putting a worm in her sandwich which is probably something Paris would still think is funny. Oh dear god, I'm wanting there to be science fiction in this so bad. Even a spatial anomaly! After the procedure she decides her child would be better with looking like a human and asks the Doctor to do that. Did Khan die for nothing?! The Doctor doesn't agree with it and neither does Paris so Torres takes it with humility and grace. Oh wait, no she doesn't and they have a massive argument. Torres has some more flashbacks before reconciling with Paris. The Doctor then says he's changed his mind and the genetic alteration needs to be done right away. While Torres is about to do that, Paris discovers she altered the Doctor's programme. Security is sent to sickbay buy leave to let Torres and Paris hug it out. It's not like she committed a crime is it?

So apparently its all Daddy issues and everything's all fine in the end so nothing is done about Torres' reprogramming. If it was anyone else Janeway would dish out justice. Oh wait, never mind.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Episode 156: Shattered

Chakotay goes to the cargo bay to get his Antarian Cider. He asks Icheb, who’s there, to keep it a secret. Chakotay takes the cider to his weekly dinner with Janeway, who somehow manages to burn a roast despite it being made with a replicator. They’re called away as Voyager finds a temporal anomaly. I wonder how many times I’ve typed that now. Chakotay is injured after the temporal energy hits him. Oh god, it’s a Chakotay episode. He wakes in the sickbay where the Doctor has given him an anti-temporal serum but Chakotay quickly realises that the Doctor is from the past. After visiting different areas of the ship they’re all in different time zones. Voyager, has if you will, become shattered. See what they did there? In engineering Seska and the Kazon are hanging out. Unfortunately it’s not a cover band. He tells her there’s a temporal anomaly and she hits him. At least she can. On the bridge Chakotay finds Janeway from before Voyager was in the Delta Quadrant. He eventually persuades her to both travel around the ship to try and fix it by using the serum on gelpack. In Astrometrics they find a grown-up Icheb and Naomi. Icheb tells Chakotay he never did tell anyone about his cider because after seventeen years that’s the only thing he can remember about it. Eventually they get to Seven as a Borg and the Captain Proton holodeck program. Is this a clip show? Finally in engineering again a fight ensues against Seska and the Kazon which the Borg Seven ends quite quickly. Chakotay initiates a pulse via the deflector dish or something. I don’t know, do you think they did? But anyway everything’s restored and the present day Janeway wants to know what happened. Don’t we all? Chakotay can’t tell her though because of the Temporal Prime Directive. Never mind that he’s been telling her all kinds of crap throughout the episode.

I’ll leave the last words to Robert Beltran: “I hated that episode!”

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Episode 155: Flesh And Blood

This was originally aired as a double episode telemovie so I’m reviewing it as such. Though I’ve no idea why, there’s barely enough story for one episode.

The Hirogen are hunting their prey, but the episode is at pains not to show enemy, so it’s got to be Voyager/StarFleet. Oh it is, but it’s the holotechnology that Janeway gave them, only the holograms are killing the Hirogen now. Voyager and shortly afterwards a Hirogen ship arrive at a Hirogen station and finds all but one of them dead. The lone Hirogen left alive, Donik, stays on Voyager as he’s never been much of a hunter and was responsible for the programming of the holograms. Just when you thought the episode couldn’t get any stupider, it does. The holograms on the station are of course sentient now and have escaped on a ship of their own. So the Hirogen have used Voyager’s holo tech to do what they want with after Janeway gave them it and still she whinges. She tells the Hirogen she knows about this but rather than saying “So? Who gives a fuck?” they seem to care. The Doctor is kidnapped by the holoship* and eventually comes round to their way of thinking thanks to their leader, Bajoran hologram, Iden. When the Doctor gets back to Voyager he’s unable to persuade the Voyager crew to help so defects to the holoship and oh god, there’s still another episode of this. The holoship disables Voyager and then beams Torres over to help them repair themselves. Back on Voyager, Janeway and Donik have a pity party as to whose fault this all is. Hey, you don’t need to fight! It’s all of your faults. The Hirogen ships go after the holoship and Voyager tags along to try and sort them all out. The holoship hides in a nebula, because there’s always one nearby in a universe of 96% void (Thanks to @simiboyz for that statistic). Eventually the holoship escapes to liberate more holograms from a random ship nearby. However these seem to be the hologram equivalent of a vending machine. They then defeat the Hirogen and beam them down to a planet (also conveniently nearby) where they hunt them. Oh the ironic irony. The Doctor kills Iden on the planet to save a Hirogen leaving the only thing left for Janeway to discuss his defection. Which is all she does, discuss it. So yet again, one of Janeway’s crew disobeys her orders and she does nothing.

*Copyright Red Dwarf. (Do yourself a favour and watch the Waxworld episode of Red Dwarf instead. It makes more sense too.)

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Episode 154: Nightingale

Harry becomes the captain of an alien shuttle. No prizes for guessing what I thought of this one. Do I even have to do this one? Oh alright then.

While Voyager’s landed on a planet having repairs done to it, Harry and Neelix are on the Delta Flyer II looking for dilithium. Let’s hope it crashes. Oh and Seven’s on it too because she’s everywhere. A random ship is being fired upon by another and Harry eventually decides to help despite it not being part of regulations. On board the not-supsicious-at-all ship they are told they’re delivering a vaccine, but as he’s Book from Firefly, Harry decides he can be trusted. When they all get back to Voyager, Book and Harry implore Janeway for help to get to their planet. Janeway agrees that she would’ve done the same and Harry tells her he “learns from the best”. Fuck. Right. Off. He’s then given command of the crappy alien ship which he names Nightingale. After he gives the orders on the ship he then carries them out himself, who does he think he is? Kirk? And then when he doesn’t he does his Riker impression by looking as smug as possible. Seven, who’s obviously finding this as irritating as I am, tells him in a subtle way to stop being a dick. Then it turns out that Book isn’t a Doctor at all! The ship is in fact smuggling a cloaking device, in plain sight, so to speak. Harry sulks about this until Seven talks to him again and he then decides to help the people out anyway and everyone lives happily ever after. Except me.

Also this week in a story that somehow manages to be just as bad, Icheb thinks that Torres fancies him. With hilarious consequences.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Episode 153: Body And Soul

The writer’s were obviously thinking at one point “How can we get more Seven?”. Then they hit upon, she can play other characters. Though having said that, Seven's acting as the Doctor is probably the episode’s best part.

At the start of the episode I got excited because I thought it was DS9 but no, they were just using the same comet as their credits. Seven, Harry and the Doctor are studying said comet in the Delta Flyer II when they’re attacked by a ship who hate holograms, probably from watching Red Dwarf The Doctor ends up possessing Seven via her implants which no-one notices because they’ve obviously had a stroke. The aliens take Harry and Doctor/Seven prisoner, and he already finds the smell of Harry repellent. Meanwhile on Voyager, Tuvok is undergoing Pon Farr which he doesn’t seem to mind telling Paris all about, the pervert. Captain Ranek on the alien ship wants to know more about the Delta Flyer 2.1 so asks the Doctor/Seven. He tells him about the replicator and enjoys eating food for the first time and then they all get drunk together. First thing I can agree with. On returning to the cell, they separate and Seven is annoyed with the Doctor abusing her body but they compromise to free themselves from the aliens. Back on Voyager, Paris suggests to Tuvok he use the holodeck to help himself out. No-one’s ever suggested that before, oh wait, they have in the Vorik Pon Farr episode. Voyager is then escorted through the same region by more of the aliens who demand the holodeck is turned off. Finally, someone with sense. On the other alien ship, the Doctor/Seven is kissed by Ranek, and they walk off in disgust. What Harry wouldn’t give to be in that position. Either of them. Doctor/Seven then meets with Ranek again but sedates him so that contact Voyager via the Delta Flyer XP. Yet again, no-one realises it’s the Doctor. Eventually they’re caught again but Voyager has come to the rescue. Ranek’s been injured though, so the Doctor stays to operate, thusly the aliens all change their opinions on holograms just in time for the end.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Episode 152: Inside Man

Voyager are due to get their monthly transmission from StarFleet featuring letters from home, celebrity news and episode reviews. Okay maybe, not the last two. This time though a hologram of Reg Barclay arrives and confidently tells them they’ll be home in days. Really? Does anyone get excited by that anymore, it’s at least the tenth time of being told that... oh only Harry does. The idea is dangerous but apparently extra shielding and inoculations will be enough to protect everyone, so the Doctor reluctantly gives HoloReg his mobile emitter. Meanwhile at StarFleet headquarters apparently their hologram has gone missing. What really? You mean the one with Janeway is being controlled by someone? Is it the Borg? The Cardassians? The Romulans? Nope, it’s the Ferengi who want Seven’s nanoprobes to sell. Apparently Voyager and all it’s Delta Quadrant secrets aren’t worth bothering with, just Seven. There’s a metaphor for the series if ever there was one. Barclay can’t get his boss, Harkins, to listen to his concerns so goes crying to Troi when she’s on vacation. Following your therapist on vacation isn’t a good idea she suggests but I’m sure it’s a romcom movie. He tells her Harkins is usually willing to hear him out... wait, he is? That must be in the episodes we haven’t seen then. Back on Voyager, the Doctor’s harrassing of HoloReg to play golf with him leads him to lose his temper and makes the Doctor suspicious of him. Why the Ferengi would programme the hologram with a hatred of golf is anyone’s guess but Torres and Janeway can’t find anything wrong. They can find every spatial anomaly in a three light year radius but can’t find anything wrong with that hologram?! Troi and Barclay eventually discover that it’s a girl that Barclay’s been dating that helped steal the hologram and so manage to foil the Ferengi’s plans.

That’s the Ferengi’s plans.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

Episode 151: Critical Care

The Doctor comes online on a hospital ship after a con artist, Gar, stole him from Voyager despite their *cough* strict security. The administrator, Chellick, decides to use him despite the overcrowding and primitive equipment on the Red level. Meanwhile on Voyager Paris and Harry visit the Doctor after they’ve taken a leaf out of DS9’s Julian and Miles’ book and play juvenile holodeck games. The Doctor (Keiko) is usually annoyed but doesn’t care this time because it’s just an earlier copy they’ve been left with. Janeway sets off to find the perpetrator but doesn’t care about who’s responsible on the ship. At the hospital ship, the Doctor finds a patient, Tebbis, with a serious condition who hasn’t been treated because he hasn’t got a high Treatment Coefficient. Chellick then informs the Doctor he needs to go to help people with more medical need in the Blue Level. Can you possibly tell where this is going?! Can you?! Yes, the people on Blue have more money. Crazy isn’t it? Where do they get these stories from? Chellick will be becoming a patient in his own hospital next. But I’m skipping ahead. Doctor Drysek is content to just follow orders but the Doctor uses some of the medicine for Tebbis on the Red level who gets better. Voyager meanwhile goes from planet to planet attempting to find Gar in a quite amusing segment. Anyway, The Doctor is informed that Tebbis went to the White Level and finds out this is where the dead people are. Is this Torchwood now? The Doctor argues with Chellick about this and is then kept on the Blue Level. Voyager find Gar and interrogate him with spicy food to find out where the Doctor is. Really. The Doctor has had enough of Chellick and infects him, putting him in his own hospital. Doctor Drysek won’t treat him as the computer thinks that he’s Tebbis so Chellick agrees to move some patients from the Red Level to Blue. Yeah, like he won’t reverse that after the Doctor leaves.

I can’t believe the creators of Voyager don’t like the Original Series of Star Trek as this episode was as heavy handed with the morality as a lot of them. Gene Roddenberry would be proud.

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Episode 150: Repression

Ever wonder what the guy who played Holtz in Angel did before that? Well wonder no longer.

Paris and Torres go to the holodeck to watch a 3D movie. Yeah, right, like it’ll still be around then. They find a friend of Paris’ in the front row unconcious. Yes, he has friends other than Harry, who knew? When Tuvok investigates (“‘Tuvok Investigates’ coming up next on UPN”) he finds a woman in the guy’s quarters who he immediately decides is a suspect. Thereafter two more people fall comatose and eventually Tuvok finds a pattern, they’re all ex-Maquis. Oh good, we’re back to that again. The remaining Maquis are all armed and made to use the buddy system. A Bolian draws the short straw and gets Torres as his buddy who immediately goes missing. When Chakotay finds her, he’s attacked by Tuvok & His Amazing Mind Meld (Voyager Stunning Twist #124). Of course Tuvok carries on after that as normal and no-one else knows about it with the original patients waking up. Eventually it transpires that there is a Bajoran only Tuvok can see telling him to burn things... I mean controlling him. The Bajoran had kidnapped Tuvok years before and affected his mind which was triggered by a letter from home. Soon after a Maquis rebellion is initiated because of the post hypnotic suggestion, couldn’t it have been a mass suicide? Janeway’s taken to the brig and we’re in a season 1 episode now. Don’t worry though, the rebellion is crushed as quickly as it starts and before you can say “Avatar” the whole crew is at the cinema. Hooray, for the 150th episode spectacular!

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Episode 149: Drive

It’s official. Janeway and Voyager have given up all pretense of getting back to the Alpha Quadrant. This time it’s a space race and not the exciting 1960s to the moon kind either.

Paris and Kim are testing the Delta Flyer II after Janeway had already used it in the previous episode. Another ship flies along side them and challenges them to a race. I’m surprised there were no traffic lights nearby. They both go to Voyager after Harry doesn’t want to race anymore whereupon Paris learns of an interstellar spaceship race. This is just the break that the crew need, Janeway decides. Never mind that Paris is the only one who cares about the stupid thing. Meanwhile Torres is upset because Paris and her were meant to have a romantic weekend on the holodeck at the same time. I’m sure this was the plot of, oh you know. Every. Sitcom. Ever. Torres considers breaking up with him even though she still loves him, Neelix thinks love should be enough but how’d that do for him and Kes? Back at the race and of course, there’s a tenuous peace between the two worlds hosting it. Torres and Paris race in the Delta Flyer II while Harry and alien girl in her ship. Harry has designs on the alien girl so needless to say there’ll be something wrong with her. Before all that, there’s a cliche we’re missing. Of course, sabotage! And alien girl was behind it because she’s a space racist. To round off the episode Torres and Paris have a relationship chat on the Flyer which culminates in him withdrawing from the race and proposing to her. They get married. Somehow.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Episode 148: Imperfections

Some of the Borg children leave the ship as homes are found for them, Couldn’t they take Naomi Wildman too? Seven cries and the Doctor tells her it isn’t a malfunction. But then he checks and it is, her cortical node is failing. Icheb, the last of the Borg children, or the child who never wants to leave home, now wants to join StarFleet so Seven and Janeway humour him. Meanwhile Seven’s condition gets worse so Janeway wants to find a Borg debris field to get a replacement node. “It’s not every day we go looking for the Borg” says Chakotay though I’m pretty sure it is. At the debris field, Janeway spends time removing the node from a Borg head instead of just cutting off the head and taking it with her. Eventually some faux Kazons who apparently own the place, object to Janeway touching their stuff but are quickly dispatched. Of course it’s all pointless as the node still malfunctions. Seven says that Janeway can’t accept that she might die and shows her the ship’s casualty list. Though the list is all characters from the West Wing which just reminds me I could be watching that instead. Eventually Icheb comes up with a plan for Seven to use his node as he’s young he’ll adapt. The Doctor and Seven don’t want to do this as there’s a risk he could die but damnit, Seven’s life is too important! So, yeah, everyone ends up fine at the end and Seven cries again but this time it isn’t a malfunction. Can you see what they did there?

Well the episode was pretty standard but at least we got rid of three of the children.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Episode 147: Unimatrix Zero Part II

The last season! Almooost theeere! Stay on target.

Back on the cube, it’s okay, Janeway, Tuvok and Torres still have their personalities thanks to an anti-Borg injection. Get yours today! Tuvok’s shot though is starting to wear off, I’m sure that won’t be a problem. Oh it is, and Janeway is captured. In Unimatrix Zero, Seven is annoyed about the guy she had a thing with gets romantic advice from a Klingon. After Paris decides he’s First Officer somehow, Voyager attempts to rescue the away team but because the Borg have Tuvok’s tactical knowledge they are quickly defeated. Take that Chakotay. The Borg Queen has Janeway appear as a hologram in her uniform because, well, she can. So she can dress her as anything and has her in the uniform? Idiot. The Queen knows about Unimatrix Zero but can’t foil Janeway’s virus so she gives her a diplomatic mission but not to Alderaan. Janeway is to persuade the Borg to return or they’ll just be killed. The Queen then visits Unimatrix Zero and tells a child about the Borg. “You like having friends don’t you? Assimilation turns us all into friends”. I can’t make that any funnier than it is. While there she releases an amended virus to destroy the place. On Voyager the Doctor tells Seven that she may want to give her internet romance another chance. Janeway and Voyager get rid of the place so the Resistance Borg can go somewhere else. Seven’s fancy man tells her he will find her, presumably after having assimilated a Mohican. Sorry, “made friends with” a Mohican. Then Voyager and a rebel Borg Sphere attack the Cube to free the Away Team. Finally Janeway, Tuvok and Torres are cured of being Borg and there are no lasting consequences.

What is it with Voyager and civil wars? There’s been the Kazon, the Q and now the Borg. Next’ll be Voyager was made up of different factions... oh wait.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Episode 146: Unimatrix Zero Part I

Remember when the Borg were innovative and exciting? Well here they are again for the 45th time this season.

Janeway and Chakotay pretend to punish Paris but really they make him a Lieutenant again, surprise! So he’s back to where he was two years ago, just like the show. Meanwhile Seven imagines she’s in a forest with a mysterious man during her regeneration (non TimeLord). She tells the Doctor who tells her about dreams despite her having dreamed in several episodes already. Seven has the same dream again, the man’s name is Axum, a Borg who used to date Seven or some bloody thing. The forest is a rare mutation of Borgs who are able to be in this place they call Unimatrix Zero but they can’t remember in the real world. Seven says that there is no Unimatrix Zero. Only Zuul? She meets others in the place including one assimilated at Wolf 359... was there ANYONE who wasn’t assimilated at Wolf 359?! The Borg Queen is attempting to eliminate the mutation so Seven brings Janeway in the next time using Tuvok’s Mind Meld Malarky (which should be a spinoff show). Janeway agrees to help them thinking of them like the Borg resistance. Isn’t that supposed to be futile? Anyway, just then Borgs attack... in the dream, Freddy Krueger must be spinning in his grave. On Voyager they devise a virus to give the Borg in Unimatrix Zero memory of the dream. It’s called the save function. Tuvok, Torres and Janeway go in the Delta Flyer to deliver the virus to the centre of a Borg cube. After they beam onto the cube the Flyer is destroyed. No, Paris will have to spend all his free time with Torres now! Borg then capture the away team and assimilate them, the last shot is Janeway as a Borg.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the end of the Best Of Both Wo... no wait, the end of season six!

Thursday, 9 February 2012

Episode 145: The Haunting Of Deck Twelve

Voyager has to shut all their power down to go into a space cloud. Paris and Kim think it looks scary despite it being Space Cloud Stock Image #67. Due to this, the Borg children won’t be able to sleep in their alcolve and might be scared. Seriously. So Neelix tells them a scary story to pass the time. Unfortunately it wasn’t “There’s going to be a seventh season of this.”. The scary story is about Voyager from months before collecting Deuterium in a cloud. The ship keeps getting shaken by turbulence so they leave as they don’t have seatbelts but unbeknownst to them there’s a stowaway. The children keep interrupting the story but unlike Fred Savage in the Princess Bride they aren’t funny. Back in the story, things start to go wrong on the ship, most importantly Janeway can’t get any coffee and there isn’t any in a nebula. They try to repair the affected systems but it seems to be jumping from place to place. It soon becomes clear it’s an alien after nebula gas is released in various areas of the ship. Seriously, if this sounds boring it’s not half as bad as the episode. The lifeform came from the nebula (see TNG’s Lonely Among Us) and is trying to get back unfortunately they when they do take it back, the cloud has gone. Alien goes batshit insane but eventually agrees to Janeway finding another one. Back in the present, she does.

Basically this was a run of the mill ‘alien takes over the ship’ story which they tried to turn into something original via the ghost angle. Didn’t succeed.

Janeway talks to Voyager in this one a couple of times. Item #573 in my series People On Voyager Have Space Madness.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Episode 144: Life Line

It’s the Barclay show again. I wonder if they’ll get a certain Enterprise counsellor along too? I feel like Troy McClure on the Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

On Voyager they receive data from StarFleet that includes a letter to the Doctor from Barclay on Jupiter Station. It seems his creator Noonien Singh... I mean, Dr Zimmerman is dying. The Doctor looks at his medical data and decides he can help him. Janeway reluctantly agrees to send him to the Alpha Quadrant since Paris can takeover for a while. Yup, that’s exactly how sending data works. Seven removes a lot of the Doctor’s subroutines so that he’s below 12 “megaquads”. Course you can probably download that now in 4 minutes. The Doctor arrives at Jupiter Station to see Barclay and Hayley, who seems to be Zimmerman’s “friend”. Zimmerman doesn’t want to be examined by him as he’s only a Mark One hologram. I know the feeling, I had the same problem with a Sega Master System. To annoy the Doctor, Zimmerman reconfigures his tricorder. Him and Paris could talk about pranks. Meanwhile on Voyager there’s a pointless scene about StarFleet and the Maquis. Anyway back with the Doctors and Troi pops up to counsel them both because what else has she to do? She comes to the conclusion that they’re “both jerks” and she knew Wesley. The Doctor’s programme starts to degrade and Zimmerman is convinced to repair him but the degrading was a deliberate fault to get the two in the same room. They eventually settle their differences and the Doctor cures Zimmerman in return. Oh and turns out Hayley’s a hologram. Well of course she is.

Well they’ve finally figured out how to make a pretty good episode. Put Robert Picardo in it. Twice. And have him co-write it too.

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Episode 143: Fury

Janeway gives Tuvok a cake after finding out it’s his birthday. By the look on his face, she could’ve given him syphilis. No time for awkwardness though, she’s called to the bridge to find Kes appealing to board the ship. Remember her? She was Seven before Seven. She crashes her ship into Voyager after beaming aboard and blowing shit up. She gets to engineering and uses the warpcore to go back in time (*sigh* yes, it’s Braga again) to season one. I’m not going to have to watch all of this again am I? Back in the past Kes poses as herself from that period after knocking herself out. Tuvok starts having premonitions of the future inexplicably. At one point he mentions the Delta Flyer before it’s even built and says as an excuse that he was thinking of another ship. I often do. Future Kes gets in contact with the Vidiians to give them the shield codes so they’re able to battle the ship. She’s been watching Star Trek Generations too. Eventually due to Tuvok knowing that Ensign Wildman is pregnant Janeway takes his premonitions seriously. Maybe he’s just a gossip. As the Vidiians are attacking, Janeway figures out someone helped them and finds Kes bringing the unconscious Kes to the Vidiian ship. She appeals to her, but the reason Kes is doing this is because she doesn’t fit in anymore with her ideas of exploration. Uh huh. She was bringing past Kes to the homeworld for a normal life. A fight ensues and Kes is killed. Back in the future the start of the episode happens again except this time Janeway knows what will happen. She uses this and a hologram of past Kes to appeal to her. Kes relents and goes to the homeworld.

So much for hoping for three not bad episodes in a row. This was the last episode with Kes and it’s a shame it’s this one as I quite liked Kes, she was one of the few with potential.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Episode 142: Muse

A play of Voyager is performed in an open auditorium about Torres and Harry crashing on a planet. The audience like it so much they applaud, well so much for realism. Mind you the story was only one minute long, just like the plot in season six episodes! I’m here all week. The writer, Kelis, has Torres tied up in her shuttle and wants more stories from her about Voyager or the Eternals, as he calls them. Tied up and this is what he wants? Typical writer no imagination. Torres agrees if he’ll release her but when he does she makes him leave. Torres has no luck getting power to the shuttle and eventually when Kelis comes back he recognises Dilithium as ‘Winters Tears’. Torres agrees to give him more stories in return for the Dilithium thus heading off the first Writer’s Strike on this planet. The actors in the play have difficulty coming to terms with Vulcans and no emotions and the character of Seven. Worlds are colliding! Meanwhile on Voyager, Paris is laughing at Tuvok, never mind he was angry with grief in the scene before this. Back on the planet, thankfully, one of the actresses who is in love with Kelis warns Torres off him and wants her gone as soon as possible. Eventually Harry arrives and they are able to get in touch with Voyager, but first Torres goes back to give him the ending to his play by being within the play. She tells Kelis he must say goodbye to her as she is returning to the Eternals and beams away.

I actually quite liked this one. I would’ve liked it more without the needless Voyager segments. I wish on the show they had the courage of their convictions and didn’t go back to the ship all the time.  Probably why Distant Origins was so good.

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Episode 141: Live Fast And Prosper

Alas no this isn’t part of the Fast And The Furious franchise and that’s the only time I’ll say “alas” at the start of that sentence.

On a mining planet, miners, funnily enough, meet with two people who have just beamed down, one of which has introduced themselves as Captain Janeway. It’s not her and unfortunately they haven’t recast Mulgrew, it’s people pretending to be from Voyager. I know! Why, right? The pretenders agree to a trade, only Fauxager takes the bolomite and warps away before they can give them the dilithium. On the real Voyager systems are going wrong and it leads back to a part that Neelix acquired from some monks. That they give Neelix anything to do still surprises me. It seems the monks and the Fauxager are connected whenever the miners get in touch with real Voyager. Despite looking nothing like each other they’re initially convinced Janeway did this, but then they did fall for the scam in the first place, so brightest pennies they are not. Not knowing when to quit, we find Fauxager, selling their Delta Flyer (Delta Fauxer? This is getting complicated) to an unsuspecting party who on finding out he’s been had is determined to kill them. I’m getting the impression the Delta Quadrant is full of idiots. Voyager arrives just in time to save them but despite Tuvok’s lies about the punishment fake Janeway or Dala faces she doesn’t give in. On meeting Janeway, Dala probably though “I should’ve used a deeper voice” though. She then manages to escape but this is all part of Janeway’s plan which leads them to the rest of the con artists. With the Doctor pretending to be Dala for the final part of the plan they’re all captured.

An actual okay episode in season six! I mean it wasn’t great but I’ll take whatever I can get right now.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Episode 140: The Good Shepherd

Yes, it’s Lower Deck’s Voyager style but it’s not the worst episode in the world. That was last week.

It’s the 24th century so of course at the start of the episode we have people walking from deck to deck to deliver electronic messages to one another. Seven has unsurprisingly decided that the ship isn’t efficient enough but instead of closing the holodeck she’s more concerned with the crew. There are three people who’s talents are being wasted. These are Harren, an irritating genius who is assigned a routine task to keep him out of the way, Telfer a hypochondriac, and Celes who is always making errors. Okay, what’s Celes “talent” precisely? Janeway is annoyed that three of her crew have “slipped through the cracks”. Only three? The serial killer was fine was he? She decides to take them all on an away mission on the Delta Flyer to examine a class-T cluster (spatial anomalies to you and me). Out in the cluster the three crew and Janeway find evidence of dark matter lifeforms, 400 years in the future you’d think they’d have found out what dark matter is but then they’ve forgotten emails so who knows. The lifeforms transport Telfer away before returning him without his hypochondria. Then after Harren kills one of them in defence, the creatures all advance on the Flyer and Janeway orders the rest to the escape pods. They disobey and stay with her apart from Harren, who uses the escape pod as a distraction so the Flyer can escape. He’s then beamed aboard and they all make it back to Voyager having learned a lesson and felt better about themselves. Apparently.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Episode 139: Child’s Play

It’s the ex-Borg children again!

Seven is chaperoning them at a science fair with Janeway being impressed with them. Well, when you captain Voyager, that’s not too hard. Seven is disappointed though to learn that Icheb’s parents have been found. Yay we’re getting rid of one. Icheb himself is not keen especially when he finds out the Brunali are farmers and is unable to continue his science studies. Icheb’s home is the Brunali homeworld which incidentally is next to a Borg conduit so it’s got that going for it. On the homeworld itself, I’m sure I saw a McDonalds. I’m sure the Borg are always assimilating burgers. Icheb meets his parents but still doesn’t want to go.

Mark W Shepherd’s your father and you still want to return to Voyager?! Seven and Janeway meet with the parents to see what they can do. Leave Icheb behind and warp away would be my suggestion but nobody brings it up. With Seven’s usual tact she manages to insult them by insinuating Icheb will be captured by Borg again. Eventually Icheb finds himself being won over and decides to stay much to Seven’s chagrin but she tries to hide it. One of the other children has difficulty regenerating in her alcove because she misses him and Seven said she does too. This would’ve been a good end but of course there’s more. It turns out the parents were less than honest and Icheb was genetically engineered with a pathogen to kill the Borg which is why the first cube that he was on was destroyed. So the parents had sent him into space again to get another one, pretty slow way to destroy the Borg but there you go. So needless to say Icheb comes back. Damnit, I feel like Cliff Huxtable when he would almost get rid of one of his children.

As an aside, if the Ready Room is being renovated is it still the Ready Room? That may be a tongue twister actually.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Episode 138: Ashes To Ashes

A shuttle is being chased by a larger ship until the alien woman inside disables it and hails Voyager. One of the ex-Borg children answers the hail because apparently no-one on the bridge can. Eventually the alien woman reveals herself to be Ensign Ballard who died three years earlier. She escaped and came back to Voyager?! She was reanimated by the Kobali as they salvage dead bodies to bring life, that’s taking recycling slightly too far isn’t it? Harry who was very close to her (nudge nudge wink wink) is emotional at her return and because she wasn’t at her funeral Harry bores her with his speech. She is made to look human by the Doctor complete with wig. In engineering she inexplicably speaks Kobari and at dinner with Janeway she talks to the captain about ordering her to her death before abruptly leaving. Though that may be to do with the jello sandwiches. Ballard dreams of her funeral and goes to Harry to tell of her bad day before they kiss. I like to think Harry’s slightly disappointed she didn’t turn into a cow. Then, a Kobali ship arrives wanting Ballard back with a man claiming to be her father. She doesn’t want to go, though after her face returns to Kobalin and she shouts at the Doctor in that language, she decides that she should leave Voyager as she’s more a Kobali now. Throughout the episode one of the ex-Borg children has been rebelling against Seven before they find common ground. She finds herself in the mess hall and because his girlfriend left, Harry goes with her to the holodeck. Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.

So in conclusion ashes to ashes, funk to funky, we all know Harry Kim’s a flunky, as David Bowie might’ve said.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Episode 137: Spirit Folk

There are a very few Voyager stories that could’ve done with a sequel. Fair Haven isn’t one of them. Indeed this a very probably the worst Voyager... the worst Star Trek episode I’ve ever seen.

Tom Paris is in the Irish village program on the holodeck and crashes his car. He gets the computer to repair the wheel and one of the villagers sees him. Of course it’s the obligatory drunk Irish man who believes Paris is a demon because... well, I don’t know. Janeway is doing more flirting with her fancy man in the village and Harry goes on a date with one of the girls in it. A date?! Just program the fucking holodeck for sex and be done with it. Tom makes the girl turn into a cow just as Harry’s kissing her because he’s a laugh riot apparently. I don’t think Harry would be fussed to be honest. Of course, Paris is seen, that together with the Doctor who is masquerading as the priest disappearing makes more people suspicious. Janeway’s fancy man confronts her about it all so she goes to Paris and Kim who bring Janeway’s fancyman up on an empty holodeck to fix him but it turns out he’s just pretending to be fixed. Um... Anyway, he tells all the other characters he was taken to another world. Paris and Kim sneak into the program to change things but are then captured and the characters shoot the control panel. I don’t want to even go into why that doesn’t make sense. The Doctor is captured too and Janeway’s fancy man takes his holoemitter. He’s beamed to the bridge as they think it’s the Doctor. God this has to be the end now. Another 7 minutes?! I’ll do this in a sentence then, the holodeck people and Voyager crew agree to be friends, the end.

Remember TNG Ship In A Bottle? NEVER WATCH THIS. Don’t remember it? NEVER WATCH THIS. Watch Ship In A Bottle.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Episode 136: Collective

Chakotay, Kim, Paris and Neelix are playing poker on the Delta Flyer. Neelix is trying to unsubtly hustle everyone but Paul Newman he’s not, if only there was a Borg cube to distract everyone. Hey, there’s one now. After a brief battle the Borg capture them apart from Harry who is still unconscious on the Flyer. Voyager finds the cube next and finds it very easy to defeat them, and then the Borg want to negotiate which is unusual behavior for the them. We know this because we’re told every ten seconds. The Borg want Voyager’s deflector technology to contact the other Borg, in return for the crew so Seven beams over and finds only five Borg children left on board. So it’s that kind of episode. After she returns to Voyager she has evidence that the Borg adults on the ship were killed by a virus that didn’t affect the children as they were in maturation chambers. The Doctor is horrified to find that they are considering using that on the children. I know, you could kill them so much more easily. Seven goes back to the cube and tries to convince them to join Voyager but the leader child is against this. Kim wakes up and goes to the shield generator to destroy it, but is captured by the children. Reason #5385 why Harry is rubbish. Seven reveals that because they are imperfect the Borg deem the children to be irrelevant. The shields in the room begin weakening and the Borg leader is destroyed by an explosion. They all go to Voyager where the four remaining children will join the crew. OH. JOY. Just what the show needs.

Wouldn’t Borg teenagers be more emo and writing Borg poetry? “I call this one Useless Resistance”

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Episode 135: Tsunkatse

I took a break over Christmas since I was quite far ahead and this is the first episode I came back to. I wish it was a good one.

It’s shore leave on Voyager, I’m not sure who’s going to keep the ship going, but let’s not worry about that. Janeway goes to another system so leaves Chakotay in command. There’s a Tsunkatse tournament (A kind of alien UFC) on the planet below and the crew want to see the fights. Seven and Tuvok don’t want to, of course, so agree to visit a nearby spatial anomaly. Obviously they don’t see enough of them normally but then their shuttle is attacked and they’re kidnapped by Penk (DS9’s Jeffrey Combs) who runs the Tsunkatse. Seven agrees to fight but only if Tuvok’s injuries are treated and he doesn’t tell anyone she was kidnapped by someone called Penk. In her first fight she has to best the champion. Chakotay, Kim and Paris are watching the fight live and try to get her beamed away but to no avail as the fighters are holograms being transmitted from another location. She is eventually beaten but a Hirogen fighter (DS9’s JG Hertzler) agrees to help her train, Burgess Meredith not being available. Meanwhile Voyager locates Penk’s ship from the transmissions and set a course, also giving the location to Janeway. The next fight for Seven is, in a shocking plot twist, against the Hirogen! It’s like the Twilight Zone. Voyager finds the ship in time and attempts to free Seven and Tuvok but before you can say “cavalry”, Janeway arrives in her tiny shuttle and somehow saves the day.

Fun Fact: This episode was the highest rated of the sixth season, I’d like to think this was because of Combs and Hertzler’s guest appearance but we both know it’s because of the Rock (who played the champion).

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Episode 134: Memorial

“Hi, I’m Memorial, you might remember me from such Voyager stories as Remember

Harry, Paris, Neelix and Chakotay are on a shuttle. No, this isn’t a joke, boy is it not a joke. They’ve been away looking at planets or something and everyone’s getting on Harry’s nerves.* Once back on Voyager they begin to get agitated and have memories being involved in an atrocity (Well...nah, too easy). Eventually Janeway realises that this is to do with the away team and get them together. It transpires that the team have memories of killing colonists on a planet which involves lots of shouting! SHOUTING at each other, SHOUTING at Janeway! Then Janeway has the memories and it’s somehow started to affect the entire crew. Cue more SHOUTING! Good thing no-one on board has a hangover. Somehow amidst all the shouting they figure out the planet that’s involved and travel there. Once they beam down it becomes clear that this atrocity happened three hundred years ago in the least surprising twist since Nemesis. Then comes more shouting as they argue whether to turn off the transmitter that puts the memories into people’s heads. Janeway decides no, quite right, I’m sure being agitated at the wrong moment won’t result in anything bad happening.

When Paris arrives back at his quarters at the start Torres has cartoons and beer ready for him. Good to see someone knows what’s what on that ship.

*Irony alert.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Episode 133: Virtuoso

Today’s episode is sponsored by music and smugness. Which wouldn’t have made a bad title for it really.

Janeway gives some medical help to the Komar and they’re completely condescending to the Doctor as they see him as beneath them (They’re an advanced race you see, not that they’re really tall.) Wait until they meet Neelix. Then the Doctor starts singing to himself in front of them and having inexplicably never heard of music before they fawn over him. Mind you they wouldn’t have heard of Justin Bieber either, so it’s not all bad. The Doctor performs recitals for them on Voyager with Harry also playing a saxophone solo but the Komar don’t care. See? Everybody likes Doctor. Nobody likes Harry. After the recital it’s onto the homeworld and appearing at concerts (after redesigning the lecture theatre). Voyager going to Earth? Nah, don’t think so. Needless to say the Doctor is loving all the adulation just like a reality show winner so when one of the Komar wants him to stay with her he jumps at it. Janeway isn’t too thrilled with having her only Doctor want to leave. They can’t make a copy? No wonder the Komar look down on them. Unsurprisingly the Komar eventually figure out that they can make their own singing hologram. The Doctor’s fame quickly disappears just like a reality show winner, making him look like an idiot, just like a.... Anyway, he comes back to Voyager and they set a course for Earth, probably.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Episode 132: Blink Of An Eye

So twelve episodes in there is a pretty good episode in this season after all. True, it isn’t exactly an original concept, in fact Star Trek’s already done it but you take what you can get.

Voyager comes across a planet that revolves at 58 revolutions per minute, so like Somalia? Ah, satire.  So time it seems passes on the planet much faster with a second their being a day on Voyager. I think I’ve experience that. Voyager is pulled in towards the planet and becomes trapped in orbit. Meanwhile on the planet, the inhabitants, who have been worshipping the new star as a god move to trying to contact them. Oh no, an entire civilisation based on Voyager. And to think I complained about Barclay. On Voyager a message from the planet comes through and the crew have a meeting to discuss it, despite the sender being dead for hundreds of years. Ah yes, the Prime Directive. The Doctor is sent down to the planet and comes back to Voyager moments later having been on the planet three years, having lived with a woman and looked after a son. Anyone else think he was a little annoyed to return? Eventually a capsule from the surface arrives but because they don’t return to the planet for years they join the rest of the Delta Quadrant and declare war on Voyager. The capsule eventually returns to the planet with the older astronaut watching the night sky as Voyager finally leaves.

The Doctor has some nice bits in this one, like a comical scene with the Doctor and the astronaut discussing the planet’s sports and then a touching part where he asks him if he knows anything of his son.

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Episode 131: Fair Haven

This quite possibly most offensively boring episode was the first episode of Star Trek to air in 2000. Welcome to space year 2000!

So Voyager has a new holodeck programme, yes it’s a fictional town from 19th century Ireland, in fact knowing Star Trek this is probably Dublin in the 24th century. This can’t possibly get any worse. No, I’ve spoke too soon, now Harry does his Irish impression. This is so bad I’m actually praying for a spatial anomaly. And here’s one now. Today’s anomaly is a neutronic wavefront that means they can’t use their engines so they have to ride out the storm. Janeway has the idea for everyone to use the Fair Haven programme to keep entertained. So radiation and everyone’s going to the holodeck? Janeway, of course, wants to go back there because there was a holocharacter there that she liked but first she changes his program to make him‘accommodating’. Then after she’s done the deed she becomes moody because she realises he’s a hologram and the hologram starts smashing up Fair Haven to find her. Is this likely? Then the wavefront gets worse and the only way out is to channel all power to the deflector, including holodeck power (wasn’t the whole thing they couldn’t do this? Why don’t they do this all the time then?). This means they won’t be able to rescue all the holocharacters so Janeway goes to say goodbye to her holocrumpet. Ughhhh!

So following in the fine traditions of the previous Trek series Voyager takes Irish stereotyping to a whole new level with this one. It’d be okay if anything actually happened except that Janeway pretty much cheats on the 24th century version of Leisure Suit Larry.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Episode 130: Pathfinder

Hurrah, it’s Lieutenant Barclay and Counselor Deanna Troi. I guess it’s time for Star Trek The Next... Voyager?

So yeah. Troi arrives to counsel Barclay. Again. He’s stationed at the Pathfinder project who are looking at ways to communicate with Voyager. It seems Voyager is the latest thing he’s become obsessed with. Dear God why? Says me writing a blog about it. He’s created a holodeck programme about them and spends time living there with the crew and Janeway. Her? But he’s not obsessed with holocharacters again, so it’s okay. Anyway, shouldn’t his supervisor be checking his holologs? I mean, he knows the guy suffered from holoaddiction.
Apparently not. Barclay has had an idea to contact Voyager but his boss doesn’t want to hear as he isn’t doing his scheduled stuff. Admiral Paris (Tom’s father) arrives the next day and Barclay tries his idea with him but doesn’t go well until he scales back his plans with the Voyager “crew’s” help. Paris (the Admiral not the city) says he’ll initiate a review of his findings. This isn’t good enough for him so goes to the lab at night and does the plan anyway where he’s found and moves to the holodeck. He likes holodecks. It turns out the plan succeeds and they contact the real Voyager. Though I have to say the scene with daddy Paris talking to his son was quite touching. So in summary, if you don’t get your own way, do it anyway.

With the two TNG stars I did notice that there was a lot more tecnobabble. For instance Barclay’s idea about contacting Voyager involves “a tachyon beam at a class B itinerant pulsar, with enough gravimetric energy to create an artificial wormhole”.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Episode 129: The Voyager Conspiracy

And now the story that I remembered being good but it turns out wasn’t all that great after all. I must remember that sentence is here so I can copy and paste.

Seven decides to use Borg data nodes to download information into her so it can be processed quicker. This can’t possibly go wrong. She wakes the next day with having come to conclusion Space Fleas have made their home in the sensor nets. Yes, Seven has become Sherlock Holmes. Voyager has found in a graviton catapult nearby operated by a man named Tash, himself trying to get home and strikes up a bargain with Janeway. Seven using her new extrapolating powers comes to the conclusion that Tash isn’t exactly truthful about where he got his power from and is proved correct. But she doesn’t stop there and is then convinced Janeway is part of a Federation/Cardassian conspiracy that deliberately brought Voyager to the Delta Quadrant and tells Chakotay. Yes, now Seven has become Holmes if he’d had a bad trip taking drugs. Which itself would be fine but then she tells Janeway that Chakotay is doing the same but with a Maquis conspiracy. Cue hilarity, more finding of humanity and the Doctor discovering that the Borg data nodes shockingly sent her crazy.

After last time with Janeway having the last line, I think it should be Seven this time with this ironic sentence, “Quantity is less relevant than quality”.

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Episode 128: One Small Step

2032: Lieutenant John Kelly looks out of his Ares module orbiting Mars and.... wait, Astronauts on Mars in the 21st century, that can’t be right. A large orange light appears.

Meanwhile 300 years later there’s the same spatial anomaly outside Voyager (#521 according to Seven). What’re the odds? Janeway complains that it better be worth it at 2am. Do anomalies normally keep to a strict 9 to 5 schedule? The crew soon discover this is the same anomaly that took Kelly and set about trying to get him back. Chakotay leads the mission and brings Seven along so she can become more human every day. They fly the Delta Flyer into the anomaly but come into difficulties and Janeway orders them back but Chakotay disobeys the order damaging the engines. Seven is outraged with him but manages to go across to the Ares wearing one of the Evosuits (they’re really getting their moneys worth with the First Contact suits) to use the equipment there. There she’s able to fix the Flyer and listens to Kelly’s log entries learning something about humanity this week. Once they’re back on Voyager they hold a small ceremony and launch Kelly’s remains into space.

What’s the deal in general on Star Trek with things being dark during Red Alerts? Surely Red Alerts are the one time when you want to be able to see things.

I’ll save the last line for Janeway “Space, literally it means nothing”. Well quite.