Episode 153: Body And Soul

The writer’s were obviously thinking at one point “How can we get more Seven?”. Then they hit upon, she can play other characters. Though having said that, Seven's acting as the Doctor is probably the episode’s best part.

At the start of the episode I got excited because I thought it was DS9 but no, they were just using the same comet as their credits. Seven, Harry and the Doctor are studying said comet in the Delta Flyer II when they’re attacked by a ship who hate holograms, probably from watching Red Dwarf The Doctor ends up possessing Seven via her implants which no-one notices because they’ve obviously had a stroke. The aliens take Harry and Doctor/Seven prisoner, and he already finds the smell of Harry repellent. Meanwhile on Voyager, Tuvok is undergoing Pon Farr which he doesn’t seem to mind telling Paris all about, the pervert. Captain Ranek on the alien ship wants to know more about the Delta Flyer 2.1 so asks the Doctor/Seven. He tells him about the replicator and enjoys eating food for the first time and then they all get drunk together. First thing I can agree with. On returning to the cell, they separate and Seven is annoyed with the Doctor abusing her body but they compromise to free themselves from the aliens. Back on Voyager, Paris suggests to Tuvok he use the holodeck to help himself out. No-one’s ever suggested that before, oh wait, they have in the Vorik Pon Farr episode. Voyager is then escorted through the same region by more of the aliens who demand the holodeck is turned off. Finally, someone with sense. On the other alien ship, the Doctor/Seven is kissed by Ranek, and they walk off in disgust. What Harry wouldn’t give to be in that position. Either of them. Doctor/Seven then meets with Ranek again but sedates him so that contact Voyager via the Delta Flyer XP. Yet again, no-one realises it’s the Doctor. Eventually they’re caught again but Voyager has come to the rescue. Ranek’s been injured though, so the Doctor stays to operate, thusly the aliens all change their opinions on holograms just in time for the end.

Episode 152: Inside Man

Voyager are due to get their monthly transmission from StarFleet featuring letters from home, celebrity news and episode reviews. Okay maybe, not the last two. This time though a hologram of Reg Barclay arrives and confidently tells them they’ll be home in days. Really? Does anyone get excited by that anymore, it’s at least the tenth time of being told that... oh only Harry does. The idea is dangerous but apparently extra shielding and inoculations will be enough to protect everyone, so the Doctor reluctantly gives HoloReg his mobile emitter. Meanwhile at StarFleet headquarters apparently their hologram has gone missing. What really? You mean the one with Janeway is being controlled by someone? Is it the Borg? The Cardassians? The Romulans? Nope, it’s the Ferengi who want Seven’s nanoprobes to sell. Apparently Voyager and all it’s Delta Quadrant secrets aren’t worth bothering with, just Seven. There’s a metaphor for the series if ever there was one. Barclay can’t get his boss, Harkins, to listen to his concerns so goes crying to Troi when she’s on vacation. Following your therapist on vacation isn’t a good idea she suggests but I’m sure it’s a romcom movie. He tells her Harkins is usually willing to hear him out... wait, he is? That must be in the episodes we haven’t seen then. Back on Voyager, the Doctor’s harrassing of HoloReg to play golf with him leads him to lose his temper and makes the Doctor suspicious of him. Why the Ferengi would programme the hologram with a hatred of golf is anyone’s guess but Torres and Janeway can’t find anything wrong. They can find every spatial anomaly in a three light year radius but can’t find anything wrong with that hologram?! Troi and Barclay eventually discover that it’s a girl that Barclay’s been dating that helped steal the hologram and so manage to foil the Ferengi’s plans.

That’s the Ferengi’s plans.

Episode 151: Critical Care

The Doctor comes online on a hospital ship after a con artist, Gar, stole him from Voyager despite their *cough* strict security. The administrator, Chellick, decides to use him despite the overcrowding and primitive equipment on the Red level. Meanwhile on Voyager Paris and Harry visit the Doctor after they’ve taken a leaf out of DS9’s Julian and Miles’ book and play juvenile holodeck games. The Doctor (Keiko) is usually annoyed but doesn’t care this time because it’s just an earlier copy they’ve been left with. Janeway sets off to find the perpetrator but doesn’t care about who’s responsible on the ship. At the hospital ship, the Doctor finds a patient, Tebbis, with a serious condition who hasn’t been treated because he hasn’t got a high Treatment Coefficient. Chellick then informs the Doctor he needs to go to help people with more medical need in the Blue Level. Can you possibly tell where this is going?! Can you?! Yes, the people on Blue have more money. Crazy isn’t it? Where do they get these stories from? Chellick will be becoming a patient in his own hospital next. But I’m skipping ahead. Doctor Drysek is content to just follow orders but the Doctor uses some of the medicine for Tebbis on the Red level who gets better. Voyager meanwhile goes from planet to planet attempting to find Gar in a quite amusing segment. Anyway, The Doctor is informed that Tebbis went to the White Level and finds out this is where the dead people are. Is this Torchwood now? The Doctor argues with Chellick about this and is then kept on the Blue Level. Voyager find Gar and interrogate him with spicy food to find out where the Doctor is. Really. The Doctor has had enough of Chellick and infects him, putting him in his own hospital. Doctor Drysek won’t treat him as the computer thinks that he’s Tebbis so Chellick agrees to move some patients from the Red Level to Blue. Yeah, like he won’t reverse that after the Doctor leaves.

I can’t believe the creators of Voyager don’t like the Original Series of Star Trek as this episode was as heavy handed with the morality as a lot of them. Gene Roddenberry would be proud.

Episode 150: Repression

Ever wonder what the guy who played Holtz in Angel did before that? Well wonder no longer.

Paris and Torres go to the holodeck to watch a 3D movie. Yeah, right, like it’ll still be around then. They find a friend of Paris’ in the front row unconcious. Yes, he has friends other than Harry, who knew? When Tuvok investigates (“‘Tuvok Investigates’ coming up next on UPN”) he finds a woman in the guy’s quarters who he immediately decides is a suspect. Thereafter two more people fall comatose and eventually Tuvok finds a pattern, they’re all ex-Maquis. Oh good, we’re back to that again. The remaining Maquis are all armed and made to use the buddy system. A Bolian draws the short straw and gets Torres as his buddy who immediately goes missing. When Chakotay finds her, he’s attacked by Tuvok & His Amazing Mind Meld (Voyager Stunning Twist #124). Of course Tuvok carries on after that as normal and no-one else knows about it with the original patients waking up. Eventually it transpires that there is a Bajoran only Tuvok can see telling him to burn things... I mean controlling him. The Bajoran had kidnapped Tuvok years before and affected his mind which was triggered by a letter from home. Soon after a Maquis rebellion is initiated because of the post hypnotic suggestion, couldn’t it have been a mass suicide? Janeway’s taken to the brig and we’re in a season 1 episode now. Don’t worry though, the rebellion is crushed as quickly as it starts and before you can say “Avatar” the whole crew is at the cinema. Hooray, for the 150th episode spectacular!

Episode 149: Drive

It’s official. Janeway and Voyager have given up all pretense of getting back to the Alpha Quadrant. This time it’s a space race and not the exciting 1960s to the moon kind either.

Paris and Kim are testing the Delta Flyer II after Janeway had already used it in the previous episode. Another ship flies along side them and challenges them to a race. I’m surprised there were no traffic lights nearby. They both go to Voyager after Harry doesn’t want to race anymore whereupon Paris learns of an interstellar spaceship race. This is just the break that the crew need, Janeway decides. Never mind that Paris is the only one who cares about the stupid thing. Meanwhile Torres is upset because Paris and her were meant to have a romantic weekend on the holodeck at the same time. I’m sure this was the plot of, oh you know. Every. Sitcom. Ever. Torres considers breaking up with him even though she still loves him, Neelix thinks love should be enough but how’d that do for him and Kes? Back at the race and of course, there’s a tenuous peace between the two worlds hosting it. Torres and Paris race in the Delta Flyer II while Harry and alien girl in her ship. Harry has designs on the alien girl so needless to say there’ll be something wrong with her. Before all that, there’s a cliche we’re missing. Of course, sabotage! And alien girl was behind it because she’s a space racist. To round off the episode Torres and Paris have a relationship chat on the Flyer which culminates in him withdrawing from the race and proposing to her. They get married. Somehow.

Episode 148: Imperfections

Some of the Borg children leave the ship as homes are found for them, Couldn’t they take Naomi Wildman too? Seven cries and the Doctor tells her it isn’t a malfunction. But then he checks and it is, her cortical node is failing. Icheb, the last of the Borg children, or the child who never wants to leave home, now wants to join StarFleet so Seven and Janeway humour him. Meanwhile Seven’s condition gets worse so Janeway wants to find a Borg debris field to get a replacement node. “It’s not every day we go looking for the Borg” says Chakotay though I’m pretty sure it is. At the debris field, Janeway spends time removing the node from a Borg head instead of just cutting off the head and taking it with her. Eventually some faux Kazons who apparently own the place, object to Janeway touching their stuff but are quickly dispatched. Of course it’s all pointless as the node still malfunctions. Seven says that Janeway can’t accept that she might die and shows her the ship’s casualty list. Though the list is all characters from the West Wing which just reminds me I could be watching that instead. Eventually Icheb comes up with a plan for Seven to use his node as he’s young he’ll adapt. The Doctor and Seven don’t want to do this as there’s a risk he could die but damnit, Seven’s life is too important! So, yeah, everyone ends up fine at the end and Seven cries again but this time it isn’t a malfunction. Can you see what they did there?

Well the episode was pretty standard but at least we got rid of three of the children.

Episode 147: Unimatrix Zero Part II

The last season! Almooost theeere! Stay on target.

Back on the cube, it’s okay, Janeway, Tuvok and Torres still have their personalities thanks to an anti-Borg injection. Get yours today! Tuvok’s shot though is starting to wear off, I’m sure that won’t be a problem. Oh it is, and Janeway is captured. In Unimatrix Zero, Seven is annoyed about the guy she had a thing with gets romantic advice from a Klingon. After Paris decides he’s First Officer somehow, Voyager attempts to rescue the away team but because the Borg have Tuvok’s tactical knowledge they are quickly defeated. Take that Chakotay. The Borg Queen has Janeway appear as a hologram in her uniform because, well, she can. So she can dress her as anything and has her in the uniform? Idiot. The Queen knows about Unimatrix Zero but can’t foil Janeway’s virus so she gives her a diplomatic mission but not to Alderaan. Janeway is to persuade the Borg to return or they’ll just be killed. The Queen then visits Unimatrix Zero and tells a child about the Borg. “You like having friends don’t you? Assimilation turns us all into friends”. I can’t make that any funnier than it is. While there she releases an amended virus to destroy the place. On Voyager the Doctor tells Seven that she may want to give her internet romance another chance. Janeway and Voyager get rid of the place so the Resistance Borg can go somewhere else. Seven’s fancy man tells her he will find her, presumably after having assimilated a Mohican. Sorry, “made friends with” a Mohican. Then Voyager and a rebel Borg Sphere attack the Cube to free the Away Team. Finally Janeway, Tuvok and Torres are cured of being Borg and there are no lasting consequences.

What is it with Voyager and civil wars? There’s been the Kazon, the Q and now the Borg. Next’ll be Voyager was made up of different factions... oh wait.

Episode 146: Unimatrix Zero Part I

Remember when the Borg were innovative and exciting? Well here they are again for the 45th time this season.

Janeway and Chakotay pretend to punish Paris but really they make him a Lieutenant again, surprise! So he’s back to where he was two years ago, just like the show. Meanwhile Seven imagines she’s in a forest with a mysterious man during her regeneration (non TimeLord). She tells the Doctor who tells her about dreams despite her having dreamed in several episodes already. Seven has the same dream again, the man’s name is Axum, a Borg who used to date Seven or some bloody thing. The forest is a rare mutation of Borgs who are able to be in this place they call Unimatrix Zero but they can’t remember in the real world. Seven says that there is no Unimatrix Zero. Only Zuul? She meets others in the place including one assimilated at Wolf 359... was there ANYONE who wasn’t assimilated at Wolf 359?! The Borg Queen is attempting to eliminate the mutation so Seven brings Janeway in the next time using Tuvok’s Mind Meld Malarky (which should be a spinoff show). Janeway agrees to help them thinking of them like the Borg resistance. Isn’t that supposed to be futile? Anyway, just then Borgs attack... in the dream, Freddy Krueger must be spinning in his grave. On Voyager they devise a virus to give the Borg in Unimatrix Zero memory of the dream. It’s called the save function. Tuvok, Torres and Janeway go in the Delta Flyer to deliver the virus to the centre of a Borg cube. After they beam onto the cube the Flyer is destroyed. No, Paris will have to spend all his free time with Torres now! Borg then capture the away team and assimilate them, the last shot is Janeway as a Borg.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the end of the Best Of Both Wo... no wait, the end of season six!

Episode 145: The Haunting Of Deck Twelve

Voyager has to shut all their power down to go into a space cloud. Paris and Kim think it looks scary despite it being Space Cloud Stock Image #67. Due to this, the Borg children won’t be able to sleep in their alcolve and might be scared. Seriously. So Neelix tells them a scary story to pass the time. Unfortunately it wasn’t “There’s going to be a seventh season of this.”. The scary story is about Voyager from months before collecting Deuterium in a cloud. The ship keeps getting shaken by turbulence so they leave as they don’t have seatbelts but unbeknownst to them there’s a stowaway. The children keep interrupting the story but unlike Fred Savage in the Princess Bride they aren’t funny. Back in the story, things start to go wrong on the ship, most importantly Janeway can’t get any coffee and there isn’t any in a nebula. They try to repair the affected systems but it seems to be jumping from place to place. It soon becomes clear it’s an alien after nebula gas is released in various areas of the ship. Seriously, if this sounds boring it’s not half as bad as the episode. The lifeform came from the nebula (see TNG’s Lonely Among Us) and is trying to get back unfortunately they when they do take it back, the cloud has gone. Alien goes batshit insane but eventually agrees to Janeway finding another one. Back in the present, she does.

Basically this was a run of the mill ‘alien takes over the ship’ story which they tried to turn into something original via the ghost angle. Didn’t succeed.

Janeway talks to Voyager in this one a couple of times. Item #573 in my series People On Voyager Have Space Madness.

Episode 144: Life Line

It’s the Barclay show again. I wonder if they’ll get a certain Enterprise counsellor along too? I feel like Troy McClure on the Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

On Voyager they receive data from StarFleet that includes a letter to the Doctor from Barclay on Jupiter Station. It seems his creator Noonien Singh... I mean, Dr Zimmerman is dying. The Doctor looks at his medical data and decides he can help him. Janeway reluctantly agrees to send him to the Alpha Quadrant since Paris can takeover for a while. Yup, that’s exactly how sending data works. Seven removes a lot of the Doctor’s subroutines so that he’s below 12 “megaquads”. Course you can probably download that now in 4 minutes. The Doctor arrives at Jupiter Station to see Barclay and Hayley, who seems to be Zimmerman’s “friend”. Zimmerman doesn’t want to be examined by him as he’s only a Mark One hologram. I know the feeling, I had the same problem with a Sega Master System. To annoy the Doctor, Zimmerman reconfigures his tricorder. Him and Paris could talk about pranks. Meanwhile on Voyager there’s a pointless scene about StarFleet and the Maquis. Anyway back with the Doctors and Troi pops up to counsel them both because what else has she to do? She comes to the conclusion that they’re “both jerks” and she knew Wesley. The Doctor’s programme starts to degrade and Zimmerman is convinced to repair him but the degrading was a deliberate fault to get the two in the same room. They eventually settle their differences and the Doctor cures Zimmerman in return. Oh and turns out Hayley’s a hologram. Well of course she is.

Well they’ve finally figured out how to make a pretty good episode. Put Robert Picardo in it. Twice. And have him co-write it too.

Episode 143: Fury

Janeway gives Tuvok a cake after finding out it’s his birthday. By the look on his face, she could’ve given him syphilis. No time for awkwardness though, she’s called to the bridge to find Kes appealing to board the ship. Remember her? She was Seven before Seven. She crashes her ship into Voyager after beaming aboard and blowing shit up. She gets to engineering and uses the warpcore to go back in time (*sigh* yes, it’s Braga again) to season one. I’m not going to have to watch all of this again am I? Back in the past Kes poses as herself from that period after knocking herself out. Tuvok starts having premonitions of the future inexplicably. At one point he mentions the Delta Flyer before it’s even built and says as an excuse that he was thinking of another ship. I often do. Future Kes gets in contact with the Vidiians to give them the shield codes so they’re able to battle the ship. She’s been watching Star Trek Generations too. Eventually due to Tuvok knowing that Ensign Wildman is pregnant Janeway takes his premonitions seriously. Maybe he’s just a gossip. As the Vidiians are attacking, Janeway figures out someone helped them and finds Kes bringing the unconscious Kes to the Vidiian ship. She appeals to her, but the reason Kes is doing this is because she doesn’t fit in anymore with her ideas of exploration. Uh huh. She was bringing past Kes to the homeworld for a normal life. A fight ensues and Kes is killed. Back in the future the start of the episode happens again except this time Janeway knows what will happen. She uses this and a hologram of past Kes to appeal to her. Kes relents and goes to the homeworld.

So much for hoping for three not bad episodes in a row. This was the last episode with Kes and it’s a shame it’s this one as I quite liked Kes, she was one of the few with potential.

Episode 142: Muse

A play of Voyager is performed in an open auditorium about Torres and Harry crashing on a planet. The audience like it so much they applaud, well so much for realism. Mind you the story was only one minute long, just like the plot in season six episodes! I’m here all week. The writer, Kelis, has Torres tied up in her shuttle and wants more stories from her about Voyager or the Eternals, as he calls them. Tied up and this is what he wants? Typical writer no imagination. Torres agrees if he’ll release her but when he does she makes him leave. Torres has no luck getting power to the shuttle and eventually when Kelis comes back he recognises Dilithium as ‘Winters Tears’. Torres agrees to give him more stories in return for the Dilithium thus heading off the first Writer’s Strike on this planet. The actors in the play have difficulty coming to terms with Vulcans and no emotions and the character of Seven. Worlds are colliding! Meanwhile on Voyager, Paris is laughing at Tuvok, never mind he was angry with grief in the scene before this. Back on the planet, thankfully, one of the actresses who is in love with Kelis warns Torres off him and wants her gone as soon as possible. Eventually Harry arrives and they are able to get in touch with Voyager, but first Torres goes back to give him the ending to his play by being within the play. She tells Kelis he must say goodbye to her as she is returning to the Eternals and beams away.

I actually quite liked this one. I would’ve liked it more without the needless Voyager segments. I wish on the show they had the courage of their convictions and didn’t go back to the ship all the time.  Probably why Distant Origins was so good.